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Culturally speaking, threesomes are often portrayed as a way of spicing up a monogamous relationship, a Hail Mary when two people cannot stand the sight of each other’s faces in the sack.
What if, dear reader, it existed less as a last-minute adrenaline pen and just as like… a thing that you did?
Not as an attempt to course correct an under seasoned dish at the pass, but actually as just… a part of the recipe?
What if, dare I say it, the idea of playing with someone else wasn’t seen as a flaw, a vice or a shot in the arm, but just as a fun alternative?
Well, we at GQ are here to change the narrative around threesomes: fun as they are, and exciting as they are, they do not have to be clandestine or born out of necessity.
They’re not for everyone, and that is fine, but if you two fancy an extra topping on your pizza, may we suggest making your next sex toy… a human?
But! Like all lascivious things, a threesome actually requires a lot of communication.
Some people try and suggest sexual communication is more like admin, and to those people we say: if you don’t find consent and boundaries a worthwhile conversation, you’ve probably never made any of your partners very happy.
All heightened forms of coitus require some ground rules and conversations, and neither of those things is fundamentally unerotic.
Here are some of the important conversations to have before getting into it.
As stated before, you might want to invite someone else in because you’re no longer enjoying your sex life.
If that is the case, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ever make the beast with three backs, but it does mean you should figure out what’s wrong before doing it.
A threesome is not going to suddenly make you like each other more, and if you find sex with the other partner unappealing… I’ve got news for you buddy; they’re still going to be there.
Plus: whoever is invited into the bedroom with you should never leave feeling like they’ve caused the rift between the two of you to get bigger. Take it from a girl who knows.
But wanting to try something new is to be actively encouraged. It might be that you’ve realised that an open relationship isn’t an option for either (or both) of you, but something else could be a really nice way of exploring things in bed that are simply impossible between two people: maybe you’re two men who love getting penetrated and you’d both like to get a dick for once.
Maybe you’re a man and a woman who really love a particular type of fetish and it requires a third party to really get you off. Or maybe there’s just someone in your life who both of you are equally interested in.
What’s important is talking about it, and making it clear this is not born out of displeasure, but merely a desire for more pleasure. Talk about it the same way you’d talk about buying a new dildo or a sex swing.
You may want to bring someone in so that all three of you can be equal participants, but you also might want to bring someone in who exists purely to further the pleasure of you and your partner.
Both, as long as respectful and consensual, are valid and somebody out there will be willing to fit into the vibe. The great thing about being a couple looking for a threesome is that it’s a buyer’s market.
But it is important to know what the good things you want to get out of this are: do you want to have two people fighting over your dick?
Do you want to try anal with a stranger? Do you want to be cuckolded? To quote great theatre directors: get to know what your super-objective will be for the scene and, more importantly, what everyone else’s will be.
Equally important: what won’t be happening. Everything is up for discussion here. Is kissing off the cards?
Is penetration off the cards, or is it fine as long as no one ejaculates in anyone else? The thing is: if both of you aren’t equally keen on something, it should probably be a red line.
And also feel free to flag things that you’re like, “This could be a problem for me.” It’s good to know what could, potentially, be a problem even if you’re hoping it won’t be.
Not sure how you’ll feel if you see your partner getting sucked off? Raise it, even if you’re fine with it. Make sure you’re both aware of the terrain.
Have a word, gesture or something that is easy to use when either being pleasured or trying to communicate with people being pleasured.
You want the ability to regroup and euthanise if necessary. Make sure it’s something suitably natural for a third party not to hear it and think they’ve messed up, and make sure it’s not so natural that it could get lost in the fug.
For example, if you don’t smoke, and your third doesn’t know that, maybe the code is “I’m going out for a fag”.
There are plenty of options here: is it a case of going through people in your life and seeing who’s down?
You’ll be amazed how many people in your life will be flattered, and not at all weirded out, by such a message (maybe set a boundary with exes though. Or not! I don’t know you! But also my number is…)
You can also try apps: straight dating apps are not particularly excellent for this, but if you set up a couple that makes your intentions clear you might be able to get some interest within a sensible geographical area.
Gays? Between Grindr and Scruff, you’re literally sorted. These apps have long been designed for couples as much as for singletons. But be prepared with pics of both of you. That’s very important.
Also, maybe try bars, clubs, cruising? Obviously you can do it at a wedding or at a party or just at a night out, but there’s also definitely venues where you can either go and just have a bit of public sex or find someone who is willing to just walk in and join you.
If it’s a cruising spot, darkroom, a sex party or just a bar with a bit of a reputation, there are different places you can try.
A word to the wise: places like this have distinct codes of conduct and you’ll need to be on your A game when it comes to registering and understanding signs of consent.
I mean, you should be all the time, but the wilder the situation, the more astute you have to be.
Nothing more awkward than a moment where you’re all waiting for someone to make a move.
This can be something you figure out as you go, but find someone in the trio who’s going to be the dungeon master of this particularly sexy Dungeons & Dragons campaign.
If one of you propositioned the person in point five, they might be the best point person for saying, “Hey, so shall we all start sucking each other off?”
Best to know what the aftermath looks like: logically, you’ll want to have some cool-down and cleaning-off time, maybe offer them a drink, but, are they staying over?
If they aren’t, and you don’t have good public transport links, are you paying for their Uber? If they are, are you making them breakfast? What are you allowed to do with your third while one of you is out of the room?
Honestly, if you don’t find the idea of a post-coitus Q&A sexy, you’re missing out: once the lust has faded, it’s great to hear what worked and what didn’t.
It’s even better if the chat’s expected, otherwise it becomes awkward for all parties. Lay out, before it even happens, what could be good things to talk about after.
A good assessment can lead to a really nice feeling of growth, of comfort, and maybe even some great one-on-one sex once the refractory periods are over.
[ Via GQ UK]
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