Heterosexual men, when having sex will orgasm approximately 95% of the time. Picture: File
I never realised that there was a word for women not being able to orgasm as easily as men. I always knew that it existed and that there was a legacy and story behind it. Now I know it’s a very real thing and it’s called the orgasm gap.
Research shows (I’d love to work in that lab) that heterosexual men, when having sex will orgasm approximately 95% of the time, whereas heterosexual women will only orgasm 65% of the time. This does not take into consideration the women who have never been able to have an orgasm.
As you know, I’m old school and part of the suck it up generation. What does it matter if there is a difference in how many times can a woman orgasm versus a man. It’s only when you start considering the reasons for the gap that it becomes important. Because we can change it.
The first reason is lack of education. This is both for vulva owners and the partners who please them. We think, via popular media, dirty talk and porn that it’s all about penetration.That the harder you push the more pleasure. Well, you’re wrong.
The clitoris is a woman’s pleasure spot. It’s bigger than you think and has around nine thousand nerve endings. That’s way more than the penis and yet the penis has more fun.
The clitoris is mostly hidden and if we understood her a bit better, we’d know how to please and arouse her.
Most women, they reckon about 80% of us orgasm from clitoral stimulation and not
penetration. Personally, I think it’s a design fault but if we could get the foreplay sorted, maybe it’s not.
Society has often placed male pleasure as central to heterosexual encounters, while female pleasure has historically been marginalised. Myths like “ women don’t need orgasms” or “sex ends when the man finishes” still persist in certain places and can affect perceptions.
If women understood the vulva and the clitoris, which is easily attainable through self-exploration and masturbation, then orgasm would be far more achievable.
Many women don’t touch themselves. We’ve been taught that it’s sinful, it makes us dirty and less than. Touching yourself is equivalent to being a whore. What we’ve been taught is the next hurdle in a woman’s journey to pleasure and orgasm.
A woman exploring and experiencing pleasure is judged harshly. A man touching his penis and exploring pleasure is ‘natural’ and expected. Not so for a woman. We need to change this.
Nobody needs to feel shame for exploring their body and experiencing pleasure.
If you battle to reach orgasm, explore more, get to know how you climax so you can pass that information onto your partner.
Here are 10 ways you can narrow the orgasm gap:
Improve Sexual Education
Comprehensive sex education should include topics on both male and female pleasure and anatomy. This promotes understanding and demystifies female pleasure early on, building a foundation for satisfying experiences.
Prioritise Communication
Talk openly about your preferences, turn-ons, and what helps you reach orgasm.
Understanding each other’s needs and being responsive can make a significant difference.
Focus on Foreplay
Women generally benefit from more extended foreplay, as it allows us to feel relaxed, aroused, and comfortable. Adding more time for foreplay can dramatically improve the experience.
Debunk Myths
Address and debunk myths around female pleasure. Clearing misconceptions around the importance of female pleasure helps redefine sexual satisfaction beyond just male orgasm.
Explore and Educate on Anatomy
Spend time learning about female anatomy, particularly areas such as the clitoris, G-spot, and others. Becoming informed on what areas contribute to pleasure helps bridge the orgasm gap.
Normalise Sex Toys
Incorporating vibrators or other toys can provide additional stimulation that some women may need to reach orgasm. Normalising their use can enhance satisfaction for both partners.
Introduce Mindfulness Practices
Techniques like mindfulness and focusing on the present can help women relax, manage self-consciousness, and enhance their focus on physical sensations, increasing the likelihood of orgasm.
Reduce Performance Pressure
Sexual satisfaction isn’t always tied to orgasm, so alleviating pressure on both partners to achieve orgasm every time can lead to more relaxed, enjoyable experiences, making orgasms more likely.
Explore Positions and Techniques
Some positions can stimulate areas more conducive to orgasm for women. Trying out different techniques and angles to stimulate the clitoris or other pleasure zones helps explore what feels best.
Encourage Mutual Learning
Partners should see sex as a mutual learning experience, where both individuals can grow in understanding each other’s needs.
Don’t get hung up about having to achieve an orgasm. At the end of the day, pleasure and intimacy is the ultimate prize. Once the pressure is off, you’ll be surprised at how easily the gap can be narrowed.
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